Let's get Barry Bonds back on the Field!

Barry Bonds is good for sports. There is nothing worse than seeing an athlete waste away when they still have the ability to compete. It makes me ill to think that Brett Favre has nothing to do but riding lawn mower commercials and think of ways to spend the ridiculous amount of money he's made. No. 4 has a gift and should be lined up between the hashmarks. For a brief second after his retirement, I hoped he would come back to the Falcons and the team that drafted him. Favre could make one last stand for the people that brought him into the league. But Atlanta killed my hopes by taking Matt Ryan in the draft last weekend.

Let's be honest, Ryan isn't going to make anyone forget about Michael Vick. A pocket passer isn't going to get Atlanta to their feet. They want someone who freaks out when the first option is covered. They need a running back masquerading as a quarterback. A guy who will take the snap, pump fake and start breaking guys' ankles. At best, Matt Ryan will complete passes, but he won't put butts in the seats. No, the only hope for the Falcons is Barry Bonds.

Hear me out. We know he's an athletic freak. And we know the NFL is lax on steroids and the fans don't care if players use them. I'm not saying you make him your quarterback, but I'm sure there's a slot for him. Arthur Blank has plenty of money from selling power tools and potting soil. He could easily throw a couple million towards the "homerun king". Tell me the stands wouldn't be packed to see B. Lamar Bonds throw on an oversized helmet and lineup for an extra point. And his idol- Henry Aaron- lives right down the street. Barry Bonds and Falcons football. Crazier things have happened. Did you hear the greatest pitcher of the past two decades allegedly cheated to win and cheated on his wife with a country music star who was 15 at the time? See? Now Bonds in Atlanta would barely make the back page of the AJC.

A Diamond in the Rough

I have a new obsession and I hate myself for it. I'd almost rather admit to liking Yanni, than tell you what I've spent countless hours doing over the past couple weeks. It all started when my girlfriend went out of town for a bachelorette party. I came home that Friday night at a reasonable hour to an empty apartment. With nothing better to do and not tired enough to sleep, I flopped down on the couch and began the most famous of American pastimes- channel surfing. What I eventually landed on and am now addicted to, was DirecTv channel 233: Gems TV.

I know what you're thinking- it's home shopping for old ladies. But that's where you're wrong. I have flipped channels for over a decade past thousands of home shopping shows and have never been encapsulated like I am with Gems TV. What's remarkable about the network is that the reason I first started watching is not the reason I still check it out during commercial breaks. I paused on Gems TV out of sheer anger. The presenter was referring to the jewelry auctions as games. I couldn't believe that anyone would be dumb enough to go for it. But much to my surprise people were buying left and right.

The gimmicks didn't stop there. The quantity of items available were referred to as positions. The starting price was "crashed" some 80-90% a couple minutes into each auction. What can only be described as early house music plays underneath every game. And the camera often pans left quickly and cuts to a zoom shot of the item for sale. Not to mention the constant flash of information on screen and the presenter's ad nauseaum descriptions. And possibly my favorite part, no matter what time you buy the item during the auction, everyone pays the lowest price. My anger quickly turned to fascination and now I like to play along. I don't buy any of the jewelry though. The game I play is trying to guess the price they're going to crash to.

But last Saturday night my addiction grew as I discovered a new way to enjoy Gems TV. As an old friend and I downed copious amounts of beer during a power hour that turned into a century club, we learned that if you email the show they'll read them on the air. As the presenter gave a shoutout to "Biggie" (my old nickname), my friend and I high-fived each other and the new game was on. We spent the next hour emailing from every computer, blackberry and phone in the apartment trying to get our messages read. We succeeded three or four times. It was awesome. So the next time you find yourself pre-gaming with some friends or winding down from a drunken evening, give channel 233 a try and send an email to chat@gemstv.com. You might just be surprised how entertaining it can be. And whether you tell your friends about your new hobby is completely up to you.