Wedding Season

I love weddings. Love them. First off, I look damn good in a suit/tuxedo, and that’s really the only opportunity I get to wear one. Second, the food is always fantastic. I have yet to leave a nuptial spread unsatisfied. Third, there is usually enough booze per person to kill a donkey. Last, but certainly not least, there is dancing. And I don’t mean, rave, glow stick, sweaty, rolling on “E” dancing, I mean real dancing. Not the type of dancing your girlfriend always wants to do at bars, but waltzes, foxtrots, jitterbugs, and the electric slide. From the flower girl to the brides’ grandparents, everyone hits the dance floor no matter what skill level they are. I could go on, but those four reasons alone are more than enough to justify my love of weddings.

And it’s a good thing I love weddings because I have four this spring/summer. The first of which was last weekend. My good high school friend, Brooke, got married at a destination wedding in the Outer Banks of North Carolina. Next, my college roommate and former L.A. roommate, Spencer, is getting married Memorial Day weekend in Richmond, VA. The very next Saturday, my best friend from high school, Austin, is also getting married in Richmond. A month later on 7/7/07, my oldest friend (as in length of time known, not age) Kristen is getting married in my home town of Newport News. It’s truly a whirlwind four months of travel back and forth across the country.

A word of warning to everyone who invited me to their wedding: I’m going to dance and I’m going to drink. Lord sweet pappy Johnson with an erection I will drink! Not to the point of excess, mind you. Not like the old Adam. Not like the Adam who first moved to Los Angeles and may have broken a toilet and blamed a visiting “fat girl.” I’m going to have some liquor, charm the pants off your friends and waltz with your aunt. It’s standard operating procedure. Just let it happen.

Also, according to wedding etiquette, I have a year to get you a present. Funds are tight. Cross country flights ain’t cheap. Neither are rental cars and hotels, so for the time being sit tight. You’re going to get something awesome, from the heart and not a gravy ladle. I’ll think about everything we’ve shared and come up with a thoughtful gift. For instance, I got my friend Bryan and his wife some nice wine from a place I visited in Napa Valley. Seems generic on the surface, but if you know us, it makes sense. I drank wine in high school and was made fun of mercilessly, mostly by Bryan. Cut to a year after college and he’s slamming Chardonnay at his apartment as a quick way to get drunk before going out. I’d like to think he’s more refined now, but after our power hour-induced Vanilla Ice rap session, I know that’s not the case.

So for all of you who have just gotten engaged or are about to, don’t forget about me. I’ve already got an informal “save the date” marked on my calendar for my old roommate Kent’s wedding next January. This marriage has been about seven years in the making so I hope it lives up to the hype, and by hype I mean crab cakes and Bud Light. As for the rest of you, keep the wedding invitations coming. My address is 1510 S. Wooster Street, Los Angeles, CA 90035. I’ll even accept invites from strangers. The only thing I need to know is the time, place and which of your aunts has both original hips.

(P.S.- I have no idea who the people in that picture are.)

Taxes Two Step

I hate taxes. I hate them because they’re everywhere. If I make money, I pay income tax. If I spend money, I pay sales tax. It seems to me that I should be taxed once and then what’s mine is mine. As the saying goes, “nothing is certain but death and taxes.” Yet, now the two are more intertwined than ever. Even when you die, the government gets a chunk of your money on its way to your relatives thanks to the Death Tax. They are inescapable. But the good news is I have a plan.

Most people who hate taxes feel that the government is not putting the money to good use. They disagree with the billions spent each day on the war or want to see education receive more funding or hit the same pothole at the end of their street on the way to work each morning. Sure I’d like to see all those things change, but that’s not my main beef with taxes.

The worst part of taxes is knowing how much you would really have if the government didn’t take a chunk out of your paycheck. It’s right there on your pay stub every Friday. You can’t miss it. The joy of getting paid always comes with the mixed emotion of seeing some of it taken immediately. That’s why I propose the first-ever Blind Tax. Take whatever you want, just don’t tell me about it. Let me be happy with what I have. This would also make doing your taxes a lot easier.

Each January I get a bunch of forms in the mail. W-2. 1099. 1099-Div. 1098 A. 1098 B. R2D2. The stack is enormous and doesn’t make any sense to me. Evidently if an account I started when I was a kid and have never touched makes three cents annually I have to fill out 12 pages. Even if you just have a W-2, filing your taxes can take hours. From your employer’s Tax ID number to your Adjusted Gross Income, you have to fill out blank after blank and even one mistake could lead to an anal probe from the IRS.

I sat down yesterday afternoon and did my taxes. I file them electronically. It costs my $9. Here are the two interesting things I learned from the experience. First, anyone who owned, used or practically looked at a phone last year was eligible for some credit. I’m not sure how much it was, but I took it. Secondly, no matter how much I make, I’m always going to get the same amount back. Last year, the year before, this year- it’s all the same within like fifty bucks. And just so you don’t think I’m a moron, I’ve made different amounts of money over those three years, with the government taking larger chunks, but my refund remains the same.

I never thought I’d say this, but Montana has it right. They are one of a small number of states that don’t have sales tax. Making things cost what the price tag says is step one in my new tax plan. Don’t charge me $19.99 either. Round up. I don’t want your penny. The second step is the all-important Blind Tax I laid out earlier. Let it start with employers. Make my salary match my paycheck. You deal with the government. Leave me out if it. Thirdly, when it comes time to file taxes- let’s not. Save the paper, save the stamps, save my time and just send me a check at the end of April with the same amount I always get. Thanks.