Resolu-shuns

I’m not exactly sure how New Year’s resolutions work. Do you have to decide what they are before the ball drops? Do they go into effect on the first tick of the New Year? Is it okay to come up with your resolutions around mid-January and implement them then? Is there a certain number you should have or is one okay? I don’t know the answers to these questions. I’m trying to figure out two things. The first is am I doing this right?

What’s the etiquette of resolutions? If they’re just for yourself it makes sense that you could set your own rules. That being said, resolutions are usually the result of not being able to follow through. “This year I’m going to work out more.” “I’m going to eat better.” “I’m going to be more organized.” “I’m going to stop spending so much money.” It’s the inability of most people to police themselves that leads to these problems.

The second question is is it okay for your resolution to disrupt the lives of others? I’m not talking about someone resolving to play more practical jokes involving livestock and your personal possessions. I’m talking about resolutions that by their nature affect others. When two hundred people sign up for memberships at my gym, that affects me. Having used the same L.A. Fitness for three years I’m used to the cycle. From January to May you can’t find an open piece of equipment at a reasonable hour. Summer thins the herd and by late fall the gym returns to the regulars plus a committed 2% of the new signups.

A similar situation arose with all the New Year’s dieters a couple years ago. They all went no-carb and changed the landscape of grocery stores and restaurants across the nation. It was easier to get a hamburger wrapped in lettuce than a decent loaf of sourdough. I’m all for self-betterment, but if I can’t find a treadmill at four o’clock on a Tuesday and then go get a sandwich on actual bread, we have a problem.

I’ll be honest. I haven’t made any resolutions this year. I’m like everyone else. Sure I want to waste less money, eat healthier, work out more, and get my life organized, but it’s probably not going to happen. We’re ten days into 2007 and so far I’ve had a salad everyday, I haven’t purchased anything I didn’t need and I’ve been to the gym four times. (I also haven’t had anything alcoholic to drink, but that stems more from how I rung in the year than any plans to cut back on booze.) I’m going to try and stick with these things, but I know they’re not realistic. And since I’ve had such a late start, I’m not going to put any resolution pressure on myself until ’08.

Instead, my gift to 2007 is the definitive list of rules for making New Year’s resolutions. They are as follows:

• You must make your resolutions before the stroke of midnight. However, they don’t take effect until you wake up on January 1st. The first few hours of the New Year aren’t the time to turn over a new leaf and honestly, most of us aren’t sober enough at that time to do so anyway.
  
• You may only make one New Year’s resolution. Let’s face it, you’ve probably got a lot of things to work on, but unless you focus on one, you won’t change any of them. Pick one, make a plan and try not to screw it up before March. Since you probably will, just make the same resolution next year and try to make it to April.
  
• Your resolution may only disrupt the lives of others if you’re serious about what you’re doing. I don’t mind you taking up space at the gym, especially if you’re a girl. I want you to get in better shape because I never tire of looking at attractive women. (Please forward all sexist-themed hate mail to my hotmail account.)
  
• Finally, remember that you don’t have to make a New Year’s resolution. There’s a good chance that you’re perfect.