I’m an idea man. On occasion I develop earth-shatteringly original concepts that would revolutionize the world as we know it today. Unfortunately these ideas never arrive with pen in hand. They seem to appear as I’m drifting off to sleep, lathering up in the shower, or, in the words of Borat, when I am make toilet. Although I have an incredible memory for trivial knowledge, I can’t for the life of me remember anything very important. At one point I could name all the Presidents in order, but now those cells are filled with Goo Goo Dolls’ lyrics. Often I’ll try to file a good idea in a certain part of my brain until I can write it down, but usually wake up with a meaningless placeholder like “kitchen gun” or “sandwich laser.”
Truly, I’m an idea idea man. I tend to come up with the idea for the idea for something great. For example, I’m positive that if I invent something for a car that I would be a billionaire. See, I have the first idea, a broad stroke of genius if you will. However, I have yet to create the actual thing for the car that would earn me the GNP of Honduras. I’m thinking about a highway camera system that would project an image of the traffic ahead on the lower portion of your windshield so that drivers would have more time to react, thus preventing a large number of accidents. Unfortunately, technology scares me and I have no idea how to even begin such a system, so I have a feeling my invention will be something on the level of the cup holder.
Make no mistake, I am not an inventor. Sure, I can press legos together with the best of them, but I can’t bring an idea to life. I was the kid who took things apart only to put them back together with fewer pieces. In fact, there’s a Teddy Ruxpin from my childhood that looks like a stroke victim. Only one eye opens and the tape plays so slow it sounds like he’s slurring his speech. About the only thing I actually accomplished was taking the motor out of an old remote control car and affixing a 9-volt battery and popsicle stick to it, creating a fan.
Where I am truly gifted is in the creation of one-liners. I can twist words with the best of them and I actually get paid to do it. I write sports puns that appear on the bottom of the screen during the show I work on (Jim Rome is Burning on ESPN). Last week we had a take on Chris Webber and I came up with, “The Passion of the Chris.” Jim also compared Raiders head coach Art Shell to a mime because he never says anything, then went off on how unfunny mimes are. I’m proud to say even Rome himself chuckled at “A Mime to Kill.”
So this Thanksgiving I’m offering two nuggets that have had me chuckling for the past week. They are ideas for t-shirts for the very holiday we’re about to celebrate. The first involves a picture of a turkey wearing a thong. The caption reads “Happy Thongsgiving!” The second idea is a turkey wearing a monkey costume. The caption reads “Happy Thanksgibbon!” Feel free to make a shirt using these ideas; just make sure you send me one in lieu of payment. (But seriously, if you sell a lot of them, I want my cut.)
Happy Thanksgibbon!
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