It"s About Time

I am a late bloomer when it comes to technology. I got a pager after I graduated from high school. I almost made it to 25 years old without a cell phone. I probably won't have a blackberry before 2010. However, I've decided that I won't live another day without a blog. Now you're probably asking yourself, why should I read anything Adam writes? What makes him so special? The only answer I have for you is: experience. Not the type of experience that you'd find on a Yale graduates' resume, nay, the kind of experience that makes others glad they don't have it. For example, I once gave my cell phone number to a homeless guy. This is precisely the cross section of the human experience that I bring to the table. I promise you'll be entertained.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

No Guarantee

Take a second and think of one thing that you buy that there’s no guarantee you’ll get to use. Give up? The answer is condoms. When I buy a box of Ritz, I know I’m eating crackers. If I pick up a light bulb, I know I won’t have to stumble through the dark. And if I stop by Goodwill and snag a sweatshirt for a dollar, I won’t freeze to death in my apartment. They are all guaranteed. The purchase of condoms is only half the battle, and that percentage may be generous.

I’ll play devil’s advocate for a second and agree that condoms can be used without a partner. Now that we all know how stupid that sounds, I’ll continue. Sure you can blow them up like balloons or put them on various pieces of produce and hide them around your friends’ apartment, but what’s the point? Maybe your friends’ mom will discover a Trojan-covered cucumber in the linen closet and have to give an embarrassing explanation, but seriously let’s stay focused. The only appropriate time to use a condom is during sex.

If you’re married or in a serious relationship my theory doesn’t apply to you. I’m speaking to the millions of people who keep irregular sex lives. The people who buy condoms on the contingency that they’ll get to use them. The guys who keep one in their back pockets when they go to a bar just in case. The girls who buy a box as a joke for part of a Halloween costume or scavenger hunt, but keep them in the top drawer next to their beds. These people are the reason condoms have expirations dates. If you didn’t know they could expire, please watch your head as you exit the vehicle; you needn’t stay along for the ride.

The deeper seeded problem is that condoms are necessary. Murphy’s Law states that the minute you don’t have one within reach a supermodel will want to act out pages 13 to 76 of the Kama Sutra with you. You have to keep one in your back pocket or top drawer because the alternative is scary. I’m not talking about unwanted pregnancy or abortion; I’m talking about EC (emergency contraception). Sure there’s no guarantee that you’ll get to use condoms when you buy them, but it beats the hell out of waiting an hour at Planned Parenthood for a Plan B pill in a room filled with free-clinic regulars. You’ll never know if the lady next to you is there for a flu shot or her Hep-C medication. So to all the sexual irregulars out there, keep racing those expiration dates.
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