I have to apologize for not posting yesterday. I know that I normally update the site with a new nugget of wisdom or funny anecdote every Wednesday, but I wasn’t able to. My dream didn’t come true yesterday. I didn’t win the lottery. I was crushed. I had spent the previous two days figuring out how I would spend $370 million and it was hard coming to grips with the fact that I had to go back to work. Not winning the lottery was like losing that jackpot, not just the dollar I used to buy the ticket. What is it about the lottery that makes everyone believe they can win?
The odds of winning the Mega-Millions drawing are roughly 1 in 175 million. If everyone in the entire United States bought a ticket, less than 2 people would win. Those aren’t just bad odds, they’re terrible. Yet, we keep playing. We gladly hand over the cost of a fast-food burger for the opportunity to own Belize. It’s $1 for an unfathomable amount. Who wouldn’t take that deal? And that’s why the lottery is so attractive, addictive and heart breaking.
From the time you buy your ticket to the time of the drawing you become more and more convinced that you’ll win. I buy quick picks and never even look at the numbers, yet I’m sure they’re winners. I can’t believe how awesome it’s going to be to turn four quarters into hundreds of millions of dollars. I work myself up into such a frenzy when I play the lottery that I can’t even imagine not winning because I just know it’s my time. That’s why I couldn’t write yesterday, because my fantasy didn’t come true. All the plans I had for my new found wealth were shattered. But since I’ll never be able to play them out in person, I’ll share them with you.
I’ll only briefly mention the standard moves like buying your loved ones houses and cars and making sure they are taken care of. I’d like to do it in a fun way, surprising everyone and throwing keys at my parents and brothers like Oprah does. Sure, I’d give back to my Alma Mater and various charities too. I wouldn’t be one of those jerks who say they won’t quit their job just because they won the lottery. I’d take a dump on the rug, shout “that’s real ultimate power” and speed away in my new Jaguar. I’d spend the money in small amounts doing crazy little things. I’ve always wanted a room filled with plastic balls like at Chucky Cheese. I’d have an entire refrigerator filled with proscuitto. I’d have a KFC/Taco Bell/Pizza Hut in my living room. And I’d have a penguin.
Sure, those things don’t take millions of dollars to have, but I think that’s the underlying lesson that comes with playing the lottery. We let our thoughts run wild about what we’d do and spend, but most of the things we come up with are within our grasp. Maybe you can’t buy your relatives a house, but you can do other things that send the same message that you care. You may never own a Chucky Cheese, but you can buy a kiddie pool and a few thousand plastic balls for a couple hundred bucks. You can fill a mini-fridge with cured ham for half that. As for my penguin, it turns out they’re protected and it’s illegal to sell or purchase them. So, I’m just going to have to steal one. And my penguin and I will keep playing the lottery. After all, it’s only a dollar.
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