How was Vegas?

The question is asked with such promise. No one cares about your trip to Ft. Lauderdale. Outside of your parents, no one really wants to hear about your honeymoon. Your summer vacation to the Grand Canyon? No thanks. Everyone knows what your average vacation entails. That’s why people can’t wait to ask, “How was Vegas?” There is nothing average about Sin City. No other place on earth has the potential that Las Vegas has. You could win enough money at the tables to quit your job. You could also lose your house. You could meet the woman of your dreams. She could give you crabs. Any trip to The Strip is filled with endless possibility and that’s why everyone wants to know what happened. Your friends, family and co-workers will never accept that “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.” They want to know and you’ve got to tell them something.

When it comes to Vegas I give very detailed descriptions of two things: food and what I did while the sun was up. I’ve never had a reason to lie. This past weekend I had the worst meal I’ve ever had in the state of Nevada. The Veracruz Seafood Hot Pot was $60 worth of Cambell’s tomato soup with a rubbery lobster tail floating in it. However, the Brazilian Steakhouse from Saturday night more than made up for it. I conservatively ate 2 pounds of various grilled meats. It was quite the display. As for my daytime activities, I watched some March Madness, enjoyed the pool and did a little gambling.

Some Vegas lies are easy to see through. “I lost a little at the tables.” No, you lost about a grand. A quick check of your cell phone will easily reveal the 3am call to Bank of America asking them to let you take more money out than the $300 daily limit. They don’t build casinos with giant gold lions out front from people winning their money back. Still, you recount one good winning hand at the black jack table; splitting nines against a six, getting two twos and doubling down on both. Then you hit a “bad run” but didn’t lose “too much.” Right. Personally, I lost about $20, which is a huge win for me. Usually, I lose $100 in about 7 minutes and have to hover next to the table until my “free” drink comes.

The trickiest part of any Vegas trip is talking about the nightlife. I think we all know about the sheer volume of excess available. It’s not called Sin City for nothing. If you want to do it, you probably can. This part of Vegas stays in Vegas. I’m not saying everyone who goes there does an 8-ball off a stripper while two hookers do things you can’t mention in The Aristocrats’ joke. I’m just saying it’s possible. It’s also possible for someone to stay in their hotel room and watch the Discovery channel.

There’s plenty that goes on under the bright lights that you can tell your family. (Speaking of families, don’t bring your baby to Vegas unless you’re planning on selling it. It’s no place for kids. There’s nothing for them to do. There’s a reason I don’t drink at Chuck E. Cheese. I don’t want to be drunk around children. Leave them at home.) From bachelor parties to fashion conventions to shotgun weddings, people want to know about the trip. The bottom line is this: ask the question, but be satisfied with whatever answer you get.