If you've ever been to a gym, then you've probably ranted about a gym. Sure they're a great place to get exercise when you want to be indoors and surrounded by strangers, but there are some drawbacks. Who hasn't dealt with the 5 o'clock cardio rush only to find every treadmill filled by people completely ignoring the 20 minutes when busy rule? And how many times have you stalked your way to an empty machine, sizing up other potential users and cutting them off through the free weights, only to find the bench covered in sweat? As for unnecessary nudity in the locker room, what can I say that hasn't already been said? Grab a towel. Don't stretch without pants on. Have some shame.
No, I have a totally different set of issues I'd like to raise with the gym-going population. I'd like to first address the gym rats and I'm talking guys here. You know, career exercisers who happen to be at the gym no matter what time you go. If you're there on Wednesday morning, they're there. Ditto if you show up Thursday at midnight. Now, I have no problem with these macho-types working out a lot. More power to them. I simply have a problem with their attire. If I can see your nipples head on, what you're wearing doesn't constitute a shirt. I understand you want to show off your pecs, but do it at appropriate places like the beach or the prison yard.
My criticism of attire isn't limited to the fellas. There is a very large subsection of the female gym crowd that never seems to break a sweat. Their workout clothes are designer and hug every curve of their already toned bodies. They walk on the treadmill at the same pace as a DMV line while talking on their cell phones not burning the number of calories they ingest from a Mentos. Again, if that's your regimen and it works, great, just don't get mad at me for staring. I'm looking for two reasons. One: I think you're an idiot for coming to a gym and essentially doing nothing. Two: You're hot. When I'm done working out I'm closer to discovering fire and dragging a woman back to my cave than walking out of the pages of GQ and offering to buy you a drink. I'm going to look. Stop getting mad at me.
This next PSA is for those who frequent the community hot tub. Let's just get out of the way the fact that it's gross. Hair. Skin. Old people. Band-aids. The stuff that floats around the whirl pool is disgusting. And yet I still use it. Why? Because I've weighed the pros and cons and decided that having a nice soak after my workout is well worth having to scrub off the first few layers of my skin afterwards. What I don't need is anyone to make the experience any grosser or more uncomfortable than it is. I'm talking to you, old guy who pretends to be stretching but is actually just positioning his balls next to one of the jets. I know what you're doing. You're not fooling anybody. I understand that by the nature of the swirling water, most of it is going to contact the area around your speedo that houses your nugget pouch, but for God sake's don't make all the water rush past it on the way to me!
Finally, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention at least one problem in the locker room. I'm usually breathing kind of heavy when I'm done. It's the sign of a good workout. My lungs need oxygen and that requires deep breaths. What my lungs don't need is your spray deodorant. It seems like every time I walk in the locker room it's fogged in like the Golden Gate Bridge in June. Let off the nozzle! Those cans aren't single use. Mix in a stick of Degree and save the planet. That goes for you cologne addicts too. It's concentrated shit, just use a drop. You know why I don't wear Tag Body Spray? Because I hate it. Consider yourselves warned. I'm going to get one of those bird flu masks and start carrying cans of Raid and hold the nozzle down as long as you do. Now if everyone would just take these points into consideration our collective gym experience would be a whole lot better.
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